What is worse and worst...?

 The reputation I build had collapse slowly as like the acid eating through a piece of cold hard metal. As the old saying, "Rome wasn't build in three day" , is true but now I want to said ''Also, the Rome fall in one day"... As if now for where I stand, my Rome is collapsing into dust that turn my clear vision fill with thick mist...
  Guess the things will be better as I live through this few day, but after all is not. The truth is I am running away since everything had started rough. The group that I'm in is slowly dissolve into two or more even without a notice. Some say we should fast and clean, some say we should wait till everyone and make it clear, someone say we should relax, some say... Again stand between them as I did it before, I have choose which and when, but too bad I always end up with the third, bringing back together, the problem is, can I do that? I'm start to sick by myself as form what I saw, what I felt, and what I heard...
   " Trust me she won't appreciate what you did..."
   " I can't stand their playful attitude, their speed are damn slow..."
   "Kesianla Tan... dengar kata dia tak suka kamu..."
   Which is the truth, which is the fake, and which is fact?  Frankly speaking, I can't tell which of which., my feeling is numb as the time past. I got problem that I can't explain to people, I got words that nobody want to hear, I got feeling that which is complex and still haunted by the history of mine, I got myself worst. Now, it seems like I lock myself again in that transparent box, where I will say nothing and do nothing, and slowly, the distance between them is getting far, and I can't catch it. I fall into it again, in a pail of scum that I left, nobody got to save my ass except me, myself.

**********

   A phone call to her seems to be a phone call to an old friend, the tone she use was light, just like the first page of our very own story book, which is as nice as a fairy tale before the page turn us into a intense political novel. Although we lost our connection for 9 months but it seems like things haven't change much, we don't felt awkward while we talk on the line, it really make me please. History just as I said was a past, neither me or her are blaming everyone, we really learn to let go in the end, or do I...?

   A message from her state that she will leaving Malaysia to UK for her studies, the truth was I quite sad as like the old saying that good things won't last for long, as just like the picture within us the 6 Arif...And again I stand into a play where I will reconnect everyone just like the beginning... for her, me and everyone sake I will do it this time, as a leader of them is my duty to bring them back. But what pathetic is I can't do it with my current group of people...

  Here, it just like I'm falling down again...

A New Chapter Perhaps

First of September, it was the I never forget, that was the first day I leave my home half and thousand kilometre away... That was the first time I ever saw my sister, my father and my friend cry for me. That was the day I realize that our friendship was beyond what our thought to be. A pen from them was more then enough to see how deep they knew about me... A message from her, enough to make me drop into another misunderstanding again...
As the time progress, things seem to be a beautiful as a fancy story book, I got a very nice house mate, a bunch of new buddies, and once again I been chosen as leader, but things that happens has bring me from bad to worst. I'm not longer as good as before, I was feeling tried, giving up , even a sense to leave the group. I can feel that I'm no longer being a leader, I'm more toward falling into another deep hole that need my own blood and sweat in order to leave the same nightmare. I had.a Deja vu is strong again as I meet a similar personal that looks like it bring back for my nightmare, history... Once again I questioning myself the same question...
Although I meet up a group but actually I'm not, loner was back as the only best friend I had, everything that come personal I had fix up myself, am I being too narrow minded? Well, that's the reality, we have take care of ourself when we are staying outside, dealing with the real world rather than sit under the roof I familiar... Things that familiar become stranger as I get into it deeper and deeper...  What was the point to being... down....Was it the same mistake?
I found myself hard to communicate with my team, every time those word was swollen down by time where I want to split it out...
It really making me scared...Stress... it doesn't help much, calling Racheal, it help, calling Liwen... it was a relief... It just she been too emotional when I was telling her problem, it seem like she had a same obstacle with  me too...
I was lucky to have members that care about me as a team, not like the old days where I was loner who take all the rocks and bags on my bare shoulder, perhaps it just the matter of time to communicate with them. It just the first presentation, it still miles away to go... A member told me something important, which we do it as a team, it was not the member or the leader, it was about the group and the commitment around us, she said she experience tons of things which she said much worst than this, and I believe, because I had the same before, although it might be a piece of cake compare to her's , but I knew how it felt.
This just a beginning, as their leader, I can't beat up like that... I must stay strong and held up together as we fight out way to the future... I wish...

"Time Quest". Motorway Soundtrack

"Time Quest". Motorway Soundtrack

The moment I'm in the a rainy night

Quiet lonely tonight, humid, rain, alone. It kind remind me of her for some reason, the person I fond the most.

Frankly speaking, she is not my taste at all, somehow the curve and her body language is sort of feminine and that really put a hook on me. She is more likely taste like a German beer.




She is totally opposite of all the sexual appear on the girl I dream of, but her personally is the thing that attract me the most.I can't keep my eye on her every second in the class, she even notice I staring at her. She ask and I put it out with a stupid dumb ass reason. I really felt like an asshole that time. Another things was, she seems to be able figure out what I was thinking by that time most people don't.




No until I got out from the school and move to Pre-U, I even call her like as a routine in my life. Every 10 minute, it just felt like brought me closer to her. I even wrote a letter to her, sadly was things don't goes well.




After I finished my exam, by then I think it was the time to tell her my feeling toward her, it turn to be a mistake. She turn me off and keep saying that she was sorry for making me miss understood all the time. She said it before I did, it felt like she's know what I gonna said to her. Well, the answer she gave me wasn't surprise me, because I knew this was gonna happen. The things I did to her before like setting up a time bomb for myself. Like Rachael said ,"It Gonna Blow Up Soon!"




I thought I will be so sad that I gonna cry, too bad I don't. I did cry because I gonna leave 6 Arif, but I don't at the moment she said no to me. I thought I gonna sick for days but it turn out only last a night, some said I'm don't love her deep as the sea, some said I lied to myself, some said ... you don't wanna know...

I even deleted her contact number and try to forget about her, but in the same time, I felt free, free to love everyone. It kind of setting myself out of the cage and fly hight. Strange...

But, I feel a bit empty inside after the event, I don't even felt like been hook to someone, even though I meet someone who is really beautiful and full of the fetish image...




Sometime, she still appear in front of me like a ghost, keep on answering the question inside my head. Like hell, sometime my mate still talking about her but I don't feel it... I don't know what to say, even she is in front of me, I also don't know what to do. Perhaps she just an illusion for me, perhaps I have to wait, perhaps she is not me, perhaps she found someone...



25-8-2012
One week before I come to here, Sarawak, I ask her to join my party at home. By first, I thought she will not turn out, but she took the invitation. I thought, our connection will be done after all those words and message send it to me. I was shock... Although we don't talk much that whole night, but still I'm really enjoying with her, not to forget with my mates... Again, although she force to went back early but still, it was enough for me, I'm really happy indeed.


In the end, I belief that we still not sure about our feeling toward each other, are there only pure friendship or something beyond another level, well only time finds out...

19/20

It had been a while since I last touch my blog. The live in the Pre-U already gone, disapear like dust in the air, star in the sky. It just felt like the time had just toke it from me when I get hooked on it very deep. I finally find myself really are in some place and it just gone, perhaps it just a test or perhaps it just a stop. I got myself clear that I learn a lot of stuff during this pit-stop, I build my reputation, my name and my pride. After that I realize that it all just a beautiful dream. every morning I woke up at 6 now, I still sense the feeling I wanted went back to school, to find back who I really am, and all the sudden it just my imagination. Life after plus one is different, for someone 19+1 is just a bloody stupid math, but for me , it affect me so much. I realize that , I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult, oh yeah f*ck me an adult.
Still, I got a lot of stuff I still not need to finish in my age, I mean in my teen, I refuse to do stuff normal teen do, now suddenly I became a 20 years old jackass and I wanna do things I don't did last time, playing games, buying stuff, doing some stupid things, get a girl and etc, etc,etc...
Look at someone who is 20 already had their live, and I'm still the same... the things that border me was the age and things should have done in my age. Things that I should done before 20 is not enough, and things after 20 is a bit too far. Simply I stuck in the middle. Now I know feeling being growing up, is not as good as I thought last time.
Sometime, being "too adult" in teen was not a good thing, sometime you really wanted time stop at 19 and do whatever you haven't do. Sometime you even realize that you still child inside you heart, you don't want to grow up, you just a naive asshole... For me 19 and 20 is a mile stone gap between the earth and the moon. It just like jumping from a big lake to an ocean. It was totally different, people treat you also not the same. The way you talk must be change, the way you act must be mature, everything you had ,you have to put that on hold for the rest of your life and you need to put that on the show...
Life still waiting me, what else can I do? Only thing I can do is pray for a better life. The bottom line between 19 and 20 is a question that I will never be able to answer...

Alone/Lonely

I live my life as easy as I can.
But, sometime things just keep me in trouble...
I hate that feeling....
Is good things can back on track..
Everything just fine....
The problem is, what the hell I thinking?
I just keep fooling by the word'Alone" and " lonely".
But what make them diffident?
What is lonely and what is alone?
Well it look same but the feeling is differences.
For some years, I being alone for a while.
I don't talk to others much, I even felt I got some anti-social inside me.
That time, I was a sad boy instead having a happy childhood.
My only happy childhood start at standard 6,
which mean I only have one pure happy year in my primary school.
Good things don't stand too long, after I being study at Form 1,
Tings seem good to me at the beginning but at the mid-end, it wasn't
look too good for me, I fool myself.
When I was Form 2 I been ostracize but until I meet with my first batch of Malay friends.
From that I start to learn and feel what is being like in a group or..... 'family'..
They seem like teaching me the meaning of friendship, the meaning of 'doing stupid things'...
haha..... yeah and from they I start to respect other race and understand the meaning of being a Malaysian..
And also from that I start learn to befriend with other sex....
Jump back to Pre-U, I wasn't the same me anymore, but I still confusing..
Everyone seems have a group by their self but I feel like I don't fit either one well.
Is that alone or is that lonely? Or that just a illusion in front of my eyes?
Sometime  start to think inside a room all by myself, by the time I keep thinking..
The more I feel lonely...then, what is lonely?
It is tough, it is a test for me... weather I can take it or not...
I try to confront myself harder but that is the reality in front of my naked eyes..
Or all this happen because of me? my problems? or all the things around me is an ills illusion?
I feel like I trap myself again inside that room.....
I live inside my word....Maybe I am a good runner in the school...so what?
Pointless....F**k me! Sometime I just want to be alone and think who the hell I am...
What is the meaning I exist .......
Sigh..... I don't depend on my friend too much but I just hate being lonely..
I don't want to go back where I was...
I want to move forward! Argh!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't want someone to pity me but I just want to said it out...
It just make me feel better.... sadly...
Alone and lonely you both still confusing me....
The end.

Have I learn to let go? (15/1/2011)

The day I went to school everything is just normal...
Friends just like back then, teachers yeah same too..
And the most important, my class still locate at the same room..
Although is good but still a bit pain in the ass up there...
Because we hardly get to wind up with others  closer and longer...
The classmate relationship...Which is 'conflict' in some way...
But I don't give a damn on it anymore(ask myself, really?)...but not for my fellow friend..
Who call and rank himself as Corporal Yap...
For me things already a history and there is no point to F**k up with
the misunderstanding...because it just making me less like me..
Because I just want to more like me and less like you...
And yes I learn to let go.
I wish you, Yap also can....