The moment I'm in the a rainy night

Quiet lonely tonight, humid, rain, alone. It kind remind me of her for some reason, the person I fond the most.

Frankly speaking, she is not my taste at all, somehow the curve and her body language is sort of feminine and that really put a hook on me. She is more likely taste like a German beer.




She is totally opposite of all the sexual appear on the girl I dream of, but her personally is the thing that attract me the most.I can't keep my eye on her every second in the class, she even notice I staring at her. She ask and I put it out with a stupid dumb ass reason. I really felt like an asshole that time. Another things was, she seems to be able figure out what I was thinking by that time most people don't.




No until I got out from the school and move to Pre-U, I even call her like as a routine in my life. Every 10 minute, it just felt like brought me closer to her. I even wrote a letter to her, sadly was things don't goes well.




After I finished my exam, by then I think it was the time to tell her my feeling toward her, it turn to be a mistake. She turn me off and keep saying that she was sorry for making me miss understood all the time. She said it before I did, it felt like she's know what I gonna said to her. Well, the answer she gave me wasn't surprise me, because I knew this was gonna happen. The things I did to her before like setting up a time bomb for myself. Like Rachael said ,"It Gonna Blow Up Soon!"




I thought I will be so sad that I gonna cry, too bad I don't. I did cry because I gonna leave 6 Arif, but I don't at the moment she said no to me. I thought I gonna sick for days but it turn out only last a night, some said I'm don't love her deep as the sea, some said I lied to myself, some said ... you don't wanna know...

I even deleted her contact number and try to forget about her, but in the same time, I felt free, free to love everyone. It kind of setting myself out of the cage and fly hight. Strange...

But, I feel a bit empty inside after the event, I don't even felt like been hook to someone, even though I meet someone who is really beautiful and full of the fetish image...




Sometime, she still appear in front of me like a ghost, keep on answering the question inside my head. Like hell, sometime my mate still talking about her but I don't feel it... I don't know what to say, even she is in front of me, I also don't know what to do. Perhaps she just an illusion for me, perhaps I have to wait, perhaps she is not me, perhaps she found someone...



25-8-2012
One week before I come to here, Sarawak, I ask her to join my party at home. By first, I thought she will not turn out, but she took the invitation. I thought, our connection will be done after all those words and message send it to me. I was shock... Although we don't talk much that whole night, but still I'm really enjoying with her, not to forget with my mates... Again, although she force to went back early but still, it was enough for me, I'm really happy indeed.


In the end, I belief that we still not sure about our feeling toward each other, are there only pure friendship or something beyond another level, well only time finds out...

19/20

It had been a while since I last touch my blog. The live in the Pre-U already gone, disapear like dust in the air, star in the sky. It just felt like the time had just toke it from me when I get hooked on it very deep. I finally find myself really are in some place and it just gone, perhaps it just a test or perhaps it just a stop. I got myself clear that I learn a lot of stuff during this pit-stop, I build my reputation, my name and my pride. After that I realize that it all just a beautiful dream. every morning I woke up at 6 now, I still sense the feeling I wanted went back to school, to find back who I really am, and all the sudden it just my imagination. Life after plus one is different, for someone 19+1 is just a bloody stupid math, but for me , it affect me so much. I realize that , I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult, oh yeah f*ck me an adult.
Still, I got a lot of stuff I still not need to finish in my age, I mean in my teen, I refuse to do stuff normal teen do, now suddenly I became a 20 years old jackass and I wanna do things I don't did last time, playing games, buying stuff, doing some stupid things, get a girl and etc, etc,etc...
Look at someone who is 20 already had their live, and I'm still the same... the things that border me was the age and things should have done in my age. Things that I should done before 20 is not enough, and things after 20 is a bit too far. Simply I stuck in the middle. Now I know feeling being growing up, is not as good as I thought last time.
Sometime, being "too adult" in teen was not a good thing, sometime you really wanted time stop at 19 and do whatever you haven't do. Sometime you even realize that you still child inside you heart, you don't want to grow up, you just a naive asshole... For me 19 and 20 is a mile stone gap between the earth and the moon. It just like jumping from a big lake to an ocean. It was totally different, people treat you also not the same. The way you talk must be change, the way you act must be mature, everything you had ,you have to put that on hold for the rest of your life and you need to put that on the show...
Life still waiting me, what else can I do? Only thing I can do is pray for a better life. The bottom line between 19 and 20 is a question that I will never be able to answer...